First, apologize for coming over uninvited at an inconvenient time. (Im not saying they were saying that, or that youre wrong to feel affronted, just giving my read). Im not sure if its germane to this issue, but I considered her until about a year ago my best friend. Be clear about when you plan on arriving and leaving. British/Irish person: *forgets about it in the cold light of day* OR *texts to say, So I was serious about seeing that film. And Ill send that message a week or two in advance. PS Side note to LW: you arent doing this. And by you I mean me. My main issue is that everyone is so casual that nobody really helps with dishes/cooking/food shopping/cleaning/chopping wood/preparing bait and so partner and I end up running around from dawn till dusk, taking care of a bunch of drunk guys relaxing on our lawn and trying to make small talk with strangers. At this point I just put all the blame on my ridiculously small washing machine, and any time I dont want company I claim Im stuck doing laundry allll day so I simply couldnt possibly or no one will have clean pants. At other times it's more inappropriate. I think you can make dropping in less awkward just by paying attention to the cues the other person is giving you. This is all excellent. Id agree its worth checking in with your friend, LW, to say something like hey, I didnt mean to intrude the other day and Im sorry that I did. Id appreciate any words of wisdom you can share. There might be more back-and-forth, or the grownups might talk directly if things seemed to be getting complicated or if communication via the kids was getting garbled. So then I instinctively want to police myself away from being That Person, etc.). And if I were that one in a situation and someone brought it up before or after I would wonder if they were doing it passive aggressively and I would be reevaluating our relationship a bit. Sorry if this doesn't work but it might. Excellent advice from the Captain. In your case, maybe it would help if you tried throwing out lines like if you have any advice, feel free when discussing your problems? INDEED. Basically, if they are young/less able enough to still need adult support for any aspect of getting to/getting through a visit, they cant necessarily sort out an invite unfortunately. Cooking is one of many love languages, and if you are familiar with it, then there is no better way to show him how much you care than by preparing a tasty home-cooked dinner. Dont just show up. 2. I broke it off because I couldnt take the conflict anymore. The people I remain consistently close friends with for years are the type where we can ignore each other for two months and then pick up where we left off and have a good time, no hurt feelings. Maybe in the past they've spent time with these people, but have felt ignored or left out, or like they were quiet and boring. That is outrageous! Im just careful to make sure that no one is going to see it as passive aggressive middle school behavior. I know some families like to plan a group vacation together, but I never encountered anyone just trying to invite themselves on someones personal holiday! They will never ever have to believe that they are inherently bad at being people. Or you could leave her wondering why you werent there. I have pretty much had it. Dont do anything dramatic, or say Guess you must not have REALLY wanted to go [hang] out sometime or otherwise press the person for reasons or reactions. Hey, these new gaslights I bought, arent they great? They would invite you if they wanted! You could say Im going to go to X Comic Book Store that day, want to join me? Youre not inviting yourself along on their day, youre inviting them along on yours. I tend to get to parties and stuff early because I have severe anxieties about being late. Have at. Mentioning that you are getting married in a month and are busy with wedding planning, in the course of some other conversation, is hardly a taunt. Ask him if it is cool to come over or if he would keep you company while your friends come back. Hah. Im okay with that sort of conversation, yet its been my experience that most people are not. I like to be able to decline social invitations. No way. Small apartment. I was going to post something about how poly relationships can make this complicated, but your post points out that a lot of that really does get contained in two-person relationships too. THIS. When a guy has a thing for you, he'll want to talk to you all the time and as often as possible. A friend of mine once gave me the run down of her husbands birthday party, to which she had invited everyone in our friend group except me. (7 Key Reasons). So they test, and test some more, hoping for signs of anything that might confirm that a connection still exists. It's another question without anything close to a quick, clear answer. At this point weve all stepped around the issue for so long that I dont know how to bring it up with him without feeling like a jerk. Please do not copy, reproduce, or translate any articles without permission. Use direct language, such as, "How about homemade lasagna and the new James Bond movie at your place Friday night?" So sorry to say theres no hard and fast rule. I have a No Soliciting sign outside of my door, and usually I dont answer it if Im not expecting anybody (after peeking through the spy hole to see if its someone I know. I never lived in those days. Even if the person talking about the fun thing is a close friend, I clarify whether Im wanted there, and I try to do so in a way that doesnt sound like Im angling for an invitation. Fancy a glass of wine at mine"has worked on me. Yes, arkadyrose, thats true. I am not at your beck and call. They did call first, but left a message because no one was home and came anyway. Nobody dropped by after about 8pm without prior arrangement because the children were in bed there were rules. Whether inviting yourself tosomeones house is just fine ornot okay in general, you have information that dropping by this particular friends house is not okay. Weekend, so chance to sleep in and do chores. It was normal to just knock on their door on our way back from class to see if they were home/wanted to hang out. Well, then, I accept! The group just assumes everyone understands the unwritten open invitation. I dont understand it. So nice to know a person I thought was a friend sees spending time with me as a social obligation. Other friends, other rules. So, the reason I phrased it like this is, when Im at school, Im normally hanging out at the smoke pit with 10+ other people. Let your life and worth ethic speak for itself. You should come by the house later!. Apparently he was known for it, and it was about the only thing he was known for because hardly anyone actually knew him that well. I have a very polite no soliciting sign on the gate. I think Laura Ingalls Wilder imprinted that on me. When you stop by at work for a hug there is an easy, I have to get back to work reason to end the encounter. I had to train myself not to. And if that doesn't work, then simply tell him the truth. But only she knows why she reacted that way. Additional awkwardness if I have company already and didnt invite the drop-inner. A very important step to take here is to give him prior notice. So for me it helps me to know hey this person is still excited on this and wants to do this thing so were ok. Even if I were OK with hugs, I wouldnt want to be repeatedly visited at work to hug if nothing else, that would likely be viewed as incredibly unprofessional and quite likely disruptive to collegues. Or as they are also known, mess-makers. Going around the corner for drinks? That is also the way the kids here in our neighborhood do it, they knock but to invite the person out or over, not themselves in. Im also kind of allergic to planning sometimes because I have no idea if Ill be having a depressive episode or some other shenanigans that day and have to cancel, and I dont want to be known as that person who randomly flakes on everything. The less long term friend events planning I can do, the better. yes exactly on the no clear rule. i have had friends who text, i am walking past your building! No problem Anna Sthetic, your comment was important too, I just wanted to put across another perspective. (Also with some of my college friends 98% of the time if they were talking about an event in front of me I was invited, but they didnt realize that invitations were things that happened? You know this, Im sure, but do not invite yourself to this gathering. Which makes it especially annoying when they then go and ring my *mobile phone* after failing to get an answer from my home phone. It wouldnt involve a reaming out. That will give him the idea that you are busy and likable to people, and he will have more interest in you. Everyone has different preferences about this, so it can be tricky to figure out what to do in general. For example, I often add in the (near) future, when asking if someone would like to get together as a number of people thought I meant right now. Its funny, because my boyfriend is the opposite. A no is a no. I dont understand why some people have such an issue with keeping visitees updated if theres gonna be any changes. 4. He moved cities for me. My comment is still partially relevant however, in that it may feel more intrusive to have a visit at home rather than at work, given that work is a non-private space. Imagine the following conversation happening when two Brazilian friends who havent seen each other in a while run into each other in public. If you try TWICE to schedule something with someone you dont know very well. Anyway, youre describing this as though everyone knows whats expected, which is what I disagree with. Tell him that you are tipsy and that you dont feel comfortable driving home in this state. 3. ), This doesnt mean it cant be okay in specific workplaces, or with specific people! If someone asks what I am doing or was doing [at such and such a time] and the detailed answer is something fun without you. If I answer at all I say I had dinner plans with a friend how was your weekend? or I had a bunch of stuff going on- I am actually kind of glad to be back to work. But thats really about it. The end. I thought I was so bad at reading people, but it turns out that Im completely average. Often the person will say oh keep doing what youre doing, I wont be a bother but having somebody else in my house is not relaxing or conducive to me doing things I was in the middle of doing. My friend and I had a pretty serious chat and there was a lot of awkward uninviting done by NOT ME because I did not make that mess and I refused to clean it up. Frequently saying no is going to cause problems with even the most dedicated Asker, so the prudent course is to say it strongly once, even if the idea of occasionally saying yes isnt awful. In more structured situations (like my wedding) they arrived in event-appropriate attire with their inside voices intact, consistent with their middle class upbringing and higher education level. And if you are sleeping or sick or busy when they pop in without calling first, too fucking bad. I mean, thats a short enough time that a drive can easily vary by that much depending on how you hit traffic lights. give yourself permission to stop making an effort to get onto their calendar. Everyone, look at these. If I am up for company, I will invite you to come in, sit down. Get him involved in the plans, but don't put him to work. Its uncomfortable for the non-invitee, as well. Good one AthenaC! Example #27. Either she isnt interested in the friendship, in which case you pulling back will make everything easier and less painful for both of you, or she does want to be friends but minus surprise visits, in which case you are giving her space to reach out and make the kind of plans with you that she would actually enjoy. This was actually THE reason we didnt end up dating. If Im not specifically invited I assume Im not invited. They will say yes or no and you will figure something out. When you mention your leaky faucet or wonky DVR, and he offers to fix it, say yes and. I have a mother who loved doing it and I learned to love it from her, so I also often feel like Im closer to her when I do it. This is where I, a sincere, gregarious person who did not grow up understanding how invitations or reciprocity works, used to mess it up. It helps to hear that this was inappropriate. But thats not whats happening here. Ideally, if possible, you should be on the look-out for their car and come out as soon as you see them. Weve got a few errands to run, so how about if we drop by in about 30 minutes? that would be perfect. We actually moved to a new unit in our complex to get away from her. The real standout is the time he came to a free preview of my show well and good and proceeded to hang around after curtain, and after notes, and until I had said, Call times at 5 tomorrow, guys, see you then! However, if youre not a very close friend, when your cup is empty, its time to go. They are not uncivilized roobs its just the norms of the very casual social culture in which they travel. He would not be able to remember to do it, would not choose a socially appropriate time and place to do it if he did remember, and would not issue an invitation that T would be able to understand, let alone accept. I dont find that this crimps my social life at all, for what its worth. What we can do is trust the LWs perception of their own life and their own relationships prior to this point. Because while there are people (very extremely few people) I can happily hang out with regularly for 9 hours, they are not them. It is not impolite to invite yourself to someone's home, depending on who you are inviting and why you are doing so. I was not all that good at social interactions as a kid, and didnt give or get invitations all that often at that age. I want to come to stuff, but I dont log in that often so I miss a lot of posts.. Or is the drop by the first time they are coming over, and how do they even know where I live? Id never get out of my car and go up to someones door when I havent been specifically invited; that would be really rude to me. Guess dichotomy, but one thing that Ive realized I have friends who will ask, but theyre totally fine with cheerfully accepting my no or I cant this time or actually, I prefer to see that friend one on one, etc. At the same time, I get really antsy about people coming over to drop by even when I do have a good couple of hours of notice. But if shes not just inviting herself to reasonably open events but specifically to ones where *specific numbers of guests* actually matters, she needs to learn and you and everyone else needs to stop being expected to carry her through life. These two used to be good friends who were easy with each other. He is autistic and not great at social relations (and frankly, he is an apple that didnt fall far from the tree in that regard). This. (or text) I may not be able to, either due to existing plans, or lack of remaining energy for interacting with humans. His apartment was on my bike path from work to home-so I could have easily left and come back later. I used to, when my father called called me on inviting myself over to a classmates home for her next birthday (I said lets do x instead of y next year) when I was 7 or 8. I didnt say your way forward was easy, mind. I am also like your ex, although for a slightly different reason: I have a lot of friends who plan things a long ways out, so if I get a last-minute invitation to something, chances are good that theres already something in that time slot and I now have to choose whether or not to skip out on the thing I agreed to go to a month ago. And if Im hiring a band and a caterer. Like, dude. My brother and sister-in-law wound up super-stressed because not only did her mother and father invite themselves over, but they brought her brother, his wife and their twin toddlers. The fact that you dont find it rude, and would love for people to do it, is valid. But now you *do* know and can comport yourself appropriately with that friend. Let that one go, ok? Me and my friends have all spent a lot of time in mixed-nationality European groups, and this is a thing that has caused me and my friends some problems in the past: Thing you say at a party / pub to someone youre getting on with: Oh, you want to see that film too? The organizer may also be inconvenienced by someone who invites themselves. Their DNA will be rearranged to spell people are different, try to tactfully and honestly ask whats on their mind. And then people wouldnt call, and theyd say things to me later like, Oh, I didnt hear from you so I thought you didnt want to get together. So frustrating, as is that other Northern California custom of texting someone on the day of an event to say, Are we still getting together at X time? Well, of course we are I agreed, right? Appropriately with that friend passive aggressive middle school behavior on who you are sleeping or or... 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